How To Leave Someone You Love When You Know It’s The Right Thing To Do?
How To Leave Someone You Love When You Know It’s The Right Thing To Do?
How to leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do is never easy.
Even when all the signs to leave a relationship are loud and clear, leaving someone you still love is well... painful. Perhaps that’s why many write and even sing about this unpleasant choice, because they know that “breaking up is hard to do”.
And unlike Neil Sedaka’s 1960’s hit song, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, you probably won’t be singing “comma, comma, down, dooby doo down down” before, during or after, the actual break up conversation.
So how do you leave someone you still love?
Whether you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, leave a bad relationship, end an affair with someone you still love, let go of a relationship that’s run its course, or follow your soul that is calling you elsewhere, it's important to know the art of “how to leave someone you still love”.
It can make a big difference for both you and your partner. It will help you feel good when you’ve made the choice to leave someone you love, because you know that you did your personal best. Meaning that you engaged in a thoughtful and introspective process that helped you discover the clarity that your choice is “right for you”, as well as the compassionate skill set you need to communicate your choice to your partner.
And while your choice may disappoint or even devastate your partner, understanding the “art of the how '' to leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do, will help mitigate your partner’s pain and reduce their scars so they can be healed.
So with that said, here are six tips to help you prepare and execute this painful task.
First, assess your “why?”.
Sometimes it’s clear that you may not have much in common with your partner or not have a shared vision of the future. When this happens, the “why” it’s pretty cut and dry. And more often than not,” it” will feel over for your partner too. It’s much easier to leave someone you love when this happens to be the case.
Other times, your wish to end things may not be entirely clear to you. Perhaps you are in an unhealthy relationship that leaves you drained and confused as to why you stay? How to get out of an unhealthy relationship can be tricky business.
Or, perhaps your attraction or desire for your partner faded? If this is the case, then know that this is normal and desire can be rekindled if both people have an honest will to discover how.
Perhaps you have fallen in love with another?
Or perhaps you may have unrealistic expectations from your partner and place unfair burdens on them for your current state of dissatisfaction? See if you can get really honest with yourself about this.
Doing your best really does require you to understand what’s internally motivating you to leave, even if you don’t share those reasons with your partner. If your reasons aren’t quite clear to you, check out these articles: Breaking Up? How To Make The Best Out of The Worst or 40 Common reasons why couples break up.
2. Assess how ready you are to break up with this person.
Knowing you’re ready to leave your relationship is different from being ready to actually do it. Spend some time working through any ambivalence you may have about breaking up with someone you deeply care about.
Close your eyes and tune into your heart center. As you imagine having this conversation, notice what happens in your heart and body? Do you feel calm and clear? Or do you feel tense, panicky, sad, shame, guilt or fear?
Do you have a part of you that is so afraid to hurt your partner, that you would rather stick it out than feel the discomfort of breaking up and risk being seen as the “bad guy/gal”? If so, this would be a good reason to go to therapy.
When this is the case, more often than not, there is some deeply embedded learned belief that other’s needs are more important than your own. It can take time to unwind from this kind of belief which is why a seasoned psychotherapist who understands codependency can really be helpful here.
And when people don’t unburden this kind of belief, over time, they often grow resentful and become passive aggressive. Some even act out and end up cheating on their partner and have affairs.
3. Test the waters to assess how your partner may react to your decision to end the relationship
Breaking up with someone, generally speaking, is more than one conversation. What the conversation looks like will vary, depending upon where your partner is at and or how fragile your partner may be.
If your “why” for wanting to leave this person is because you don’t have much in common or you believe that the two of you have outgrown each other, then this will most likely be an easier conversation.
If it has to do with other reasons such as patterns of toxic behavior e.g. abuse or dependency, or if you are having feelings for someone else and want to leave to be with them, then be prepared for a lot of push back. Sharing this truth about why you want to leave may not be best for either of you.
Regardless of your why, you can test the waters by saying things like, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from us lately and am not certain about our future. Have you been feeling the same way”?
Or “I’ve been feeling really anxious and conflicted lately. As much as I love you, something just doesn’t feel right for me…”
If you are in a toxic relationship, or your partner is still in love with you, then your “testing the waters” conversation will either cause panic in the other or feel like an assault to your partner’s sense of self. They may beg you to stay saying “they will do anything” to fix it, or try to shame you for wanting to leave them. If you have children together, then they may even suggest that your leaving them will screw up the kids.
If children are involved, it really is best to work with a seasoned therapist who can help you strategize around this.
Remember, underneath defensive reactions, is pain. So if you experience any of this resistance this from your partner, try to just listen without getting defensive and then check out tip #4 below.
4. Based on your initial conversation and reaction from your partner, prepare some scripts that speak to their core vulnerabilities over being left.
When a person reacts with anger or panic, chances are that your choice to leave them has poked at a vulnerable “wounded part” of them that predates you. Their pain is based both on the “here and now” of your desire to leave and the “when and then” of some previous trauma. This “part” probably has some deeply embedded learned belief that they aren’t lovable or desirable and your wish to leave them triggers that belief.
Sometimes there’s even part of them that feels terror at the thought of being left. They may very well have been emotionally abandoned or neglected by a parent when they were a child. So it’s important to find ways to speak compassionately to those core vulnerable parts of your partner.
You can say things like “my choice to leave has no bearing on how lovable or desirable you are. My heart just doesn’t feel connected anymore and I need to start my next chapter without you”.
Or “ I know this is not what you want and you are scared inside, but please know that you are special to me and a part of me will always love you. I just need to leave.”
Also, be prepared that your partner may choose to not take no for an answer. And they will fight hard to make you stay. They may keep asking over and over why or what can I do to fix things?
Should this happen, it’s important to not get into the why. Getting into it is their way to try to hook you back in. So It’s best keep it simple and be clear. You can listen to the other’s pain without getting defensive and say “I am so sorry for hurting you, but my mind really is made up”.
5. When you finally have the break up conversation, if it feels right, consider giving them some kind of small gift, a token to show that they mattered to you.
Therapists call this a “transitional object”. It’s a way for your partner to hold on to some small piece of you when they aren’t quite ready to let go.
6. After you leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do, maintain good boundaries with either little or no contact.
While maintaining contact may help you feel better, because you are letting your ex know that you still care, it can often send mixed signals to your ex. Your ex will need time to grieve this loss, and too much contact may stymie their grieving process as they will cling to false hope.
If you find yourself having regrets, consider going to therapy to get to the heart of what’s going on inside of you. Then you can make an authentic decision regarding whether or not to stay broken up, or get back together and try things again.
Everything in life ends. And endings are not failures.
They are reorganizations, as people are constantly growing and changing. And every relationship has a season. Some have many seasons. Some even have a lifetime of seasons.
And given how short and fragile life is, what matters most is the quality of the seasons together rather than the quantity.
It’s never easy to leave someone you love, even when you know it’s the right thing to do. It takes courage, clarity, confidence and compassion. And if you take time every day to close your eyes and get really still, you will find all that and more within you.
And when you do find all of that, you will be able to feel good, about having the courage to choose authentically, and take responsibility for what your heart most wants .
Maura Matarese, M.A., LMHC, R.Y.T. Is a psychotherapist and author practicing in Sudbury, M.A. If you find yourself struggling with the question “ How to leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do?”, check out her book, Finding Hope In The Crisis: A Therapist’s Perspective On Love,Loss, And Courage. If you feel heartbroken after a breakup, check out her new online course; Finding Hope After Heartbreak: Learn The Secret How To Get Over Your Ex And Start Feeling Better Now,
