Breaking Up? How To Make The Best Out Of The Worst.
It goes without saying that breaking up is hard to do.
Even in the age of modern love, where most people will find themselves having two to three significant partners during their adult life span, the heartbreak that accompanies an unwanted ending to a relationship can crush one’s soul.
In fact, there’s even medical evidence supporting what artists, poets and playwrights throught-out the centuries have always known: that people can indeed die of a broken heart.
Navigating an ending, particularly an ending that you would give almost anything to prevent from happening, is still uncharted territory. Wanting to protest it however you can is totally normal, it’s just not the best strategy to help you get what you both want and need.
So here are some basic guidelines and strategies to wrap your mind, body and spirit around an unwanted breakup Hopefully they will help you feel empowered, classy and dignified as you prepare yourself for the grieving process.
Here’s some things that you can do and say when someone tells you they want to break up.
Do ask why the other wants to end things and listen to their reasons. By engaging in reflective listening, and validating the other’s perspective (only if it seems true and feels authentic to you ) it will actually create a deeper connection between you and your pending ex. One that may make she or he think twice about breaking things off.
Ask from your heart if the two of you could try to work things out.Remember, no one ever regrets doing their best, and that includes you. If you really don’t want to say goodbye and break up, especially if you are still in love with them, then ask for what you do want. Take the risk, let yourself be vulnerable and let the other see the beauty of your vulnerability. Then just ask.
If the answer is again, “no”, and your partner insists on breaking up, then so be it. At least you won’t have regrets for not speaking up and advocating for yourself.
Ask to uncouple in counseling. If your partner is agreeable to breaking up this way, then find a seasoned therapist who specializes in this. it will give the two of you an opportunity to review the course or your relationship and make meaning from the loss. It will also give you both an opportunity to say goodbye and break up in a loving way. This will help mitigate some of the pain you will experience when you start the grieving process.
Work with a therapist who can help you through the stages of grief.How to cope with breaking up with someone you still love and or are still in love with is rough. While many people understand the different stages of grief, what most don’t know is that grieving is not a linear process. You will cycle and recycle through these stages as some days you may feel hopeful, and feel like reaching out to your ex. On other days you may get hijacked by anger and despair and not want to get out of bed. It’s a delicate process, one that should not be navigated alone.
Here are some things that won’t work in your favor when you are going through a break up, but many try nonetheless.
Don’t beg someone to stay. If you have asked for feedback and asked if the two of you could try mend things and the answer is still no, then hear the answer. As much as it pains you and isn’t what you want, it is what it is. And yes, it stinks. But think about it this way; if someone doesn’t want to stay with you, it’s not their path, and it’s not yours either. There isn’t just one soulmate out there for you (if there was, then we’d all be in trouble). And grieving the loss of the other is the first step for finding your next great love.
Don’t shame the other for their choice to break up with you. It’s normal to be furious at the other for wanting to leave, especially if they are breaking their marriage vow or commitment promise to you. It’s perfectly normal to want to protest this any way that you can, but the shame / blame game won’t get you what you want. Taking some time to center yourself, quiet your pain and asking the other, is the better strategy, even if the answer is still no.
Don’t use your children to emotionally blackmail the other into staying. Sadly, this happens a lot. Telling the other “you will screw up the kids if you leave” will actually screw them up even more. Your partner may stay, but deep down, she or he will resent doing so.
Children are both sponges and mirrors. They absorb the energy and pain of their parents and reflect that pain back through their behavior. Some kids act out and some internalize that pain. Troubled kids almost always signal a troubled parental relationship. It’s the parents responsibility to contain their own pain, seek help when that’s too hard to do and reassure the kids that no matter what happens, they are always safe and loved.
What you can do when you don’t want your partner to leave and their are kids who will be affected by this loss is, you guessed it, ask. You can add a twist to your ask by saying something like, “I love you and don’t want you to go. I really would like for us to try to heal our relationship, not only for us, but for the sake of our family. I would at least like to be able to look our children in the eyes and tell them that we did our best. Could we at least try?”
Again, if the answer is no, then hear it.
And finally, here are some “never” action items that many so and unfortunately cause great harm.
Never stalk your ex or act out through violence after a break up. It’s normal to get hijacked by rage and feel obsessive when someone leaves you, especially if there’s a betrayal involved. Your obsessing and rage is a signal that you are overwhelmed by grief and you need someone to help you through this terrible time. You may even need some medication or neurofeedback to help you through this traumatic loss. And medication, therapy and neurofeedback really do work.
Violence only begets more violence and in the long run, it won’t bring the other back or help you heal.
Never put your children up to the task of asking the other to stay when your spouse wants to break up. Sadly this happens all the time. Whether it’s an explicit ask such as “please ask mom or dad if we can stay a family” or an implicit ask where your children hear you say things like “ I really wish we could all stay a family” or “ I don’t know what I am going to do without her or him”, it is a terribly unfair burden to place a child.
They will then believe it’s their job to keep the family together, which it’s not, and create all kinds of crisis in service of this burden. They may act out a lot by getting into trouble or internalize the pain by getting sick or becoming depressed. This happens because they don’t know any other way to do what they’ve been asked to do. And, this burden will damage them deeply.
As hard as it is, and perhaps unfair as it is, containing your pain during this turbulent time and assuring your children that “we will always be a family, it’s just going to look different”, it the adult and responsible thing to do. Again, being in a process of psychotherapy, where your therapist can hold and sooth your pain, is a must do here.
Never malign or alienate your ex from your children before, during or after a break up.
Yes, you are angry.
Yes you feel betrayed.
And yes, you are entitled to your feelings and your process of grieving.
But unless your ex is violent or poses some kind of safety threat to your children, say through some kind of addiction that’s not being treated, then once again, keep them out of it. The ending of a relationship or marriage and reorganization of a family is never easy on children. They deserve to have two mature, loving parents who put their wellbeing first and not be used as a weapon to hurt the one who chose to leave.
Last but not least, remember this: Albert Einstein once said: “In the middle of a crisis, lies an opportunity.
Breaking up, especially when you are still in love with your partner, is never the opportunity that you were looking for. It is however, the opportunity that has been thrown your way. And good things can come from it.
If you take the time to heal your whole self, mind, body and spirit as you grieve this loss, you will rise from the ashes of despair.
And not only will you survive breaking up, you will learn how to thrive in your life because of it!
Maura Matarese, M.A., LMHC, R.Y.T. is a psychotherapist and author practicing in Sudbury, MA. If you are going through a painful break up, check out Maura’s new book: Finding Hope in the Crisis, A Therapist’s Perspective on Love, Loss and Courage. You can also, check out her new online course: Finding Hope After Heartbreak: Learn the Secret “How” To Get Over Your Ex And Start Feeling Better “Now” .
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