Are You Falling Out Of Love? What The Psychology Of Attraction Says About The “Love Drug” And Lasting Romance
Albert Einstein once said “you can’t blame gravity for falling in love”.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a nifty self help quote for understanding the phenomena of falling out of love, or what the psychology of attraction says about the “love drug” and lasting romance.
Almost nothing feels more disconcerting and anxiety provoking than when you begin to realize that you are falling out of love with the one you thought was your forever person. Questions such as: what does this mean? Are we over? Can we fall back in love?... can sometimes flood you with lots of uncomfortable feelings, and overwhelm you.
But before you walk out the door and head for the hills, have an affair, vape, or swallow some xanax, just take a moment and breathe. Falling out of love with your partner happens, but it doesn’t necessarily mean all is lost. You can deal with your existential angst over this by dedicating some time to understanding some basic principles on what the psychology of attraction says about the “love drug” and lasting romance.
Doing so may help soothe your anxiety and settle your soul so that you can then decide on an authentic course of action.
So let’s start by exploring some basic psychology of attraction questions.
Common questions about human attraction psychology are: what makes you feel attracted to someone? Why do you choose who you choose? What’s the difference between love and desire? And last but not least, can love, desire and romance last?
The answers to these questions will provide you with some interesting psychological facts about love and desire. Facts that just might be the cure to the fever you once had and wish you could have again.
First and foremost in understanding the psychology of attraction is the question: Why do you choose who you choose?
And, The psychology of attraction has much to say on this.
Everyone has something called a love map. It’s an inner roadmap embedded in your limbic brain that draws you to certain types of people or situations. The allure you feel towards someone who has captivated your attention and then captures your heart has a lot to do with how they activate your love map.
Your love map is at the heart of what makes you feel attracted to someone. It’s a virtual map that was formed during your early childhood as well as your formative developmental years. What gets embedded into your map is the combined relational experiences that you had with your parents, caretakers, friends, peers, teachers, coaches and other people who felt important to you when you were developing.
The quality of attention and attunement you received from your parents or primary caretakers forms the first core and perhaps most important layer of your love map. It has much to do with what creates your sense of attraction, connection and trust of others.
The next layer that gets imprinted on your map, is the kind of relationship you witnessed between your parents or caregivers. This includes their attraction towards each other, and the implicit subtleties in their connection. For example, if there was abuse, or co-dependency or disconnection between them, chances are, you absorbed that relationship model, even if these things were not overt or ever talked about.
There are other psychological elements that contribute towards your sense of attraction to someone too.
Your peripheral relational experiences when growing up, also plays a role in your map’s design. Relationships with extended family, school teachers, friends, sports teams, religious institutions and leaders of those institutions, also got imprinted onto your map. The quality of relationality, such as being praised, or bullied, idealized, mistreated or neglected by your periphery connections, adds an additional layer of attraction coding.
All of these variables get woven together to create a love map template just for you. And when you begin to form romantic relationships, who you choose and who chooses you, correlates right back to that template.
Some interesting psychological attraction facts about this template are that it is armed with a specific kind of coding that gets activated when certain people trigger that coding. And when they do, you start to feel chemistry.
If you have had relatively positive connections in your life with emotionally healthy parents and peers, then emotionally healthy people will activate your map’s code. As an adult, you will have developed a genuinely confident demeanor that will make you seem attractive to others. And, most likely, you will only be attracted to others that have that same sense of embodied confidence.
On the flip side, when the quality of connection wasn’t “good enough '', and that could have resulted from consistent experiences of being over idealized, neglected, or abused, then the same interesting facts about the psychology of attraction applies as well. Toxic attachments attract toxic partners.
If you find that you are drawn to the latter, don’t worry, you can recode your love map, if you are willing to put the time and effort into doing so.
The next thing you need to understand about the psychology of attraction, if you find yourself falling out of love with your partner, is that there's a stark difference between love and desire.
Biochemically speaking, desire activates the rewards center of your brain that is governed mainly by the neurotransmitter, dopamine. It’s what makes you feel allure, stimulated, excited and drives you to take risks.
Love on the other hand, is governed by a different biochemical cocktail. Serotonin, which is the neurotransmitter that makes you feel calm, stable and safe, is one main ingredient. That, along with the hormone oxytocin, which is known as the bonding or “cuddle hormone” creates a soothing and caring connection between you and your partner.
A basic human psychology of attraction fact is that when couples experience both the safety and security of love and the fascination and captivation of desire, then the psychology of attraction calls this: “being in love”.
Now, here’s where things get messy with the psychology of attraction, “love drug” & lasting romance. Desire is destined to fade.
“Being in love” is a drug. And we could argue that it was slipped to you by mother nature, to get you reproduce and keep this human experiment going. But, like any drug, over time, the euphoric effects fade.
If you’ve ever spoken to someone in recovery from a drug addiction, they will tell you that towards the end of their active addiction, they used drugs just to feel normal and function. They didn’t even like the drug anymore, they just needed it to get through the day. And, it no longer gave them any pleasure. Well, the same biochemical thing happens when people and couples fall out of love.
Desire fades for everyone. Sometimes it takes six months. Sometimes it takes two years.
And when you stop to think about it, nature intended it to be that way. If people were always “in love”, they would never get anything done. Work and productivity would get lost on everyone if they remained in a constant state of obsession, passion, and euphoria
And when this not so fun fact about the psychology of attraction happens, that’s when couples are forced to face a major hurdle in their relationship. It’s a hurdle that if couples can overcome, will help them stay on the course to lasting romance. It they can’t, them it will cause them to get and stay stuck in an unhappy relationship, or break up.
Falling out of love can feel scary. Sometimes it does mean the relationship is over, especially if it has run its course. And when people suspect that might be the case and they are not ready to say goodbye, then sometimes they get hijacked by their terror.
When people who don’t understand the psychology of attraction fall out of love, here are some things that happen.
Some couples get anxious and start to fight or create “a crisis” in their relationship. In accordance with the psychology of attraction, the fight or crisis, now replaces the “novelty and surge of energy”, that desire once gave them. And, when people make up from the fight or survive the crisis, they start to feel more bonded again.
This can get complicated too. If the relationship morphs into a pattern of crisis /fight and then repair, then the couple has entered into a rollercoaster relationship of traumatic bonding. Without professional help, this dynamic will get more and more toxic over time.
Some begin to seek connection outside of the relationship, as they miss being “in love”. “Beware of the affair” - applies here.
Some realize that they don’t have much in common with each other and break up.
Some realize they have their own inner work to do, and actively work towards healing their relational wounding and recode their love map
Some realize they love each other, and decide to find ways to rekindle desire with each other.
And this brings us to the last question. What does the psychology of attraction say about lasting romance?
Couples who do their inner work and find ways to rekindle desire, are couples who dare to do what it takes to discover the key to lasting romance.
If they have relational wounding from their younger years that they are reenacting with each other (and all couples do this to some degree), then they can heal that wounding through therapy. This will allow them to deepen their connection with themselves and with their partner.
For couples who do feel securely attached and feel emotionally connected to each other, then they can find ways to rekindle desire. This involves something I call going on a weekly “an adventure date”.
It’s a specific kind of date that involves getting outside the comfort zone. It’s designed to actively recreate that sense of risk, novelty, mystery, and aliveness, they once felt. This is how they can build a greater attraction and desire towards each other.
They can do this by finding activities that allow for that possibility. No, they don’t have to go skydiving togher, unless of course they both want to. But they do have to find some kind activity that gets their dopaminergic systems activated. This will create a sense of excitement, and spark a new flame of desire.
Then afterwards, they need to take the time to talk, cuddle, and connect. This will get their oxytocin and serotonin flowing and working, and create a deeper sense of closeness.
Falling out of love is not always a death sentence to the relationship. If both partners in the couple have an honest will to do their inner work and make time for risk taking and play, then the psychology of their attraction dictates that their love will deepen. And best of all, not only will their romance last, but they will also feel an enormous sense of confidence and pride in what they have accomplished.
Maura Matarese, M.A., LMHC, R.Y.T. is a psychotherapist and author practicing in Sudbury, MA. If you are falling out of love with your partner and curious about how the psychology of attraction may be affecting your relationship, check out her book: Finding Hope In The Crisis: A Therapist’s Perspective On Love, Loss, And Courage. If you are feeling heartbroken because the psychology of attraction has caused an end to your relationship , check out her new online course: Finding Hope After Heartbreak: Learn The Secret How To Get Over Your Ex And Start Feeling Better Now.
