How To Get Through A Breakup With Grit & Grace
How To Get Through A Breakup With Grit & Grace.
How to get through a breakup is probably the last piece of advice you ever wanted to search for.
The news probably still stings. The one you love and dreamed of a future with has now told you they have other plans that don’t include you. It’s probably still fresh and raw, and certainly painful.
Perhaps you feel stunned, confused, betrayed, and devastated?In part this is because now you have to learn how to get through a breakup with someone you still love.
Or perhaps you are angry at yourself because you have to learn how to get through a breakup that you may have caused? The relationship you once had is now impossible to fix.
Regardless of the circumstances and who did want to contribute to the relationship’s demise, learning how to get through a breakup with someone you love deeply is a herculean task.
But it can be done.
And like the chinese philosophy of yin and yang where the opposite forces of “doing and being” work together in a complimentary way, the complementary strategies of using both “grit and grace” will help you get through this relationship loss. It is the key to healing your heart and creating a deeper and more authentic version of yourself, once you get to the other side.
But the other side (where you feel better and free from pain) is most likely nowhere in sight right now. Don’t worry, it’s not supposed to be.
You are churning through the darkness of your despair. This will continue for some time before you see the light at the end of the tunnel. And as you churn, you will be visiting and revisiting different stages of your grief over this breakup. You’ll likely spend lots of time in these three stages; bargaining (hoping your ex will come back), anger (over what happened), and despair (feeling helpless over not being able to change the past).
If only getting through a break up with someone who hurt you were a linear one-and-done process. But it’s not. And you need “grit & grace” strategies to help you navigate each painful breakup loss stage.
So without further adieu, here are some simple “Grit & Grace” survival strategies to help you get through this breakup with dignity and class. Practicing these strategies will help you get to the other side intact where you will be ready for your next great life and love adventure.
Make time each and every day, to track your grieving process.
Write down and journal all about your pain and longings. This is a great way to redirect your brilliant left analytical brain that’s ruminating over the questions “why” and “what if”. It will also help you put the focus back on yourself where it is needed the most.
See if you can suspend any judgments about yourself by asking your inner critic to step aside. Know that it's normal to waffle back and forth from both wanting your ex back and hating them for leaving you when you’re in the bargaining stage of grief. It’s normal to want to call your ex out to give them a piece of your mind and put a voice to your anger. It’s also normal to want to stay in bed all day out of despair. All of these feelings are different manifestations of grief.
Befriending these different feelings that arise after a breakup is one of the best strategies for getting through a breakup especially when you still love your ex.
After you track all your different feelings, take time every day to practice mind/ body techniques.
One of the ways people inadvertently retraumatize themselves when they are trying to get through a breakup is by constantly trying to “figure out what happened”. Here’s where your left, analytical brain betrays you and makes your pain worse.
You can shift your attention by practicing right brain and body oriented techniques.These will help you soothe your soul and give your thinking brain (left brain) a much needed break.
This could be as simple as closing your eyes and connecting to your breath. Add to this noticing where the many shades of your painful and contradictory feelings live in, or around, your body.
For example, is your jaw tight (a sign of anger)? Do you have bursts of energy and then feel exhausted (a signal you’re bargaining)? Do you feel shaky in your body or experience butterflies in your stomach (a fear-based signal of your grief)? Perhaps your heart center feels heavy (a deep sign of your despair)?
See if you can get really curious about how your grief manifests in physical ways and then put some attention there.
Practice movement every day that honors how you feel physically and emotionally
During days of despair, when you don’t want to get out of bed, try practicing restorative yoga. An example of this could be laying in savasana or laying with your legs up the wall in waterfall pose. Both allow you to be still when you don’t feel like doing much, but give your body a purpose to help with your restoration. This gentle reboot is powerful when done on a regular basis.
When you feel hijacked by anger consider running or resistance training. The movement of your body will help direct your energy so it flows out of you instead of being stuck inside. Finally, when you find yourself bargaining, taking a nice long walk in nature can help you “reset” into the here and now. Notice the world around you as you walk. Are you hot, cold, cool, warm? Do you see trees with leaves on them, leaves that are changing, or have fallen to the ground? Notice what’s happening in an active way so you find some peace of mind in the moment.
All of these actions can help shift your feelings and give you some momentary relief from your grief. That relief is the grace in action.
Make time once day a week to take yourself out on a date...all by yourself.
There’s nothing to help you feel like you’re moving on after a breakup like getting out into the world. Even when you're not really ready to move on or unsure about the future, taking small risks is a way to attach to your new life.
When you’re angry, why not take yourself out to a nice dinner? When you feel despair, try ordering take out and watch movies. And when you're bargaining, why not try doing something fun or educational, like taking yourself to a museum or signing up for an art class?
The grit and the grace here is to take an action even when you’re not sure but you are committed to your future (that’s the grit) and the grace is to do it messy, imperfect, and without the need to “know the answers”. You get to try on your new life and adjust however you want. That’s one of the gifts of starting over.
Find your “Forrest Gump Moment”.
Remember in the movie when Jenny left him and he decided to run across the country and started a movement? Having some kind of project to throw your whole being into is a great way to help you with your anger and despair. By turning your focus to something new, the pain of trying to get through a breakup will lessen.
Maybe take up a sport you always wanted to try or pursue a passion or hobby? Remember that endings always lead to new beginnings, but those beginnings need to start with you first. And that means exploring new adventures and creating a new dream for yourself.
This is really important if you are trying to get through a breakup with someone you still love. People just don’t stop loving their ex. But they can find new things and people that they can invest in as they slowly unwind from their loss.
Most importantly, the key to using these strategies is repetition, repetition, repetition. If you practice these strategies with the same fervor you would for something that you desire, e.g. training for a triathlon, or embarking on a long term creative endeavor, then in time, you will come out the side as a better version of yourself.
And though you will most likely still feel the pangs of the loss in your heart and experience the ruminating thoughts of “what could have been”, the intensity of this will soften over time. So make sure to give yourself lots of time to work this breakup.
It does take a lot of grit to get through a break up. But if you are willing to roll up your sleeves and take your grieving process seriously, you will find moments of grace that help remind you that you are on your path.
When you take yourself out on dates, or take walks in nature, stay open to the synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) that you experience. Perhaps you run into a long lost friend that you’ve been meaning to get in touch with or you see your favorite flower or something that reminds you of better times.
There are many faces of “grace”. Some are super obvious, and others are much more subtle. By taking time to notice where and how grace shows up in your life, you’ll see more of it around every turn.
One final note. If you’re asking yourself “why can’t I just get over it?” know this: no one just gets over it. But people do get through it and so can you if you practice mindful strategies that help you navigate the stages of your grief.
Life is filled with loss. And the meaning you assign to your loss as you learn how to get over your loss, will change the course of your future. If you don’t choose to be proactive in your healing, you may become bitter. But, If you practice gritty, grace-filled strategies then you will be humbled by your pain. This will result in discovering gratitude for all the gifts life has to offer, including life itself.
Maura Matarese, M.A. LMHC, R.Y.T., is a psychotherapist and author practicing in Sudbury, MA. If you want to learn how to get through a break up with grit and grace, check out her new online course: Finding Hope After Heartbreak: Learn The Secret How To Get Over Your Ex And Start Feeling Better Now. For immediate relief on how to get through a breakup, check out her book: Finding Hope in The Crisis: A Therapist’s Perspective On Love, Loss, And Courage
